How to Befriend a Potato…(Short story)

I have a great friend who I call Billeh; they always refuse to tell me what their actual name was everytime I ask although we’ve been close friends for a while now so I had to make up a name for me to call them. 

 

Now, straight to the point, Billeh isn’t actually what you think they might be… and by that I mean they aren’t human, not an animal or an insect either but a potato. Yes, I do realise that I sound mentally insane and that you’re asking why I’m not in the mental hospital getting treatment but that isn’t what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to tell you about how to become friends with a potato; I see a lot of people have trouble with doing so, so I am willing to help the people that are inexperienced.

 

The first time I met Billeh was on the kitchen countertop right next to where my mum was making potato stew for dinner. Billeh looked pitifully sad with no friends left as they were all tossed into the jacuzzi having fun with Billeh left out. When my mum left to grab her phone from the living room I took Billeh with me upstairs to my room instead of the jacuzzi because to be honest it looked really hot and second, Billeh’s friends had sank to the bottom of the tub; not a safe jacuzzi in the slightest.

 

As I carried Billeh upstairs they didn’t say anything; I’ve learnt since then that Billeh is a very very very shy potato, maybe by chance they have selective mutism which is what I would tell myself whenever Billeh ignores me; that is, all the time. 

 

First tip that you’ll need to know is that, from my experience, potatoes are always very quiet and introverted so it’s best to not waste your time waiting for a reply from them for 2 hours and 12 minutes. Despite the fact that they don’t really ever reply, they are super good listeners and that’s what I love about Billeh. Billeh somehow unknowingly always has time for me to talk with them, I mean they are technically living in my room rent free so why would they have a job? So instead of spending their free time drawing or reading they kind of just SIT there on my window sill doing nothing except admiring the view outside like an actual couch potato; man if I had that much time I would be sooo overjoyed!

 

Lastly, potatoes always let you take them where you wanna go because that’s how chill they are all the time, and because they aren’t the type to care much about anything i think.

 

So yeah, Billeh is an amazing potato friend, genuinely.