| There was a huge family going to the Gala in the Gardens. There were five kids and two parents. The parents trying to handle the kids is very hard. The first thing the parents had to do was get all the kids out of the house,and in the car. That took ages because two of them were taking forever to eat breakfast, one of them was taking forever to get ready and the last two were still sleeping! The parents decided to say one word that will make everyone come to the door. PIZZA! Then everything started shaking. The parents thought that it was either an earthquake or the kids. When they looked at the stairs they knew it was their family running down and when they said that it was just a prank all the kids started yelling and shouting while their parents pushed them out of the house.
Once everyone finally got in the car they drove to the Gala. When they reached there they all ran out and started looking at each stall seeing if they wanted to buy something. Then two minutes later three of them came with a cheese sample tray and were about to finish it all when the parents told them they were only supposed to eat one. Then one of them started to cry and the three of them stormed off. The other two were playing on the jumping castle and jumped so hard it broke. The parents had to pay $156 for the jumping castle that was when they had it. “You all have been so terrible today and everyday!” It is decided you all are going to a new boarding school once the holidays are over. So once the holidays were finished and all the kids went to boarding school the parents got to relax and eat pizza. THE END |
I like how you used detail and how you included things that are happening in the school like the gala, one thing you could work on is having more paragraphs. Everything else was good.
I like how you added specific details in your writing like when the kids were running down the stairs it sounded like an earthquake. And my feedback is to add more full stops in some of your sentences because some of your sentences is to long but overall your story was great!
Thank you Parousia for telling me how I can improve my writing it has helped me grow as a writer